Gnorgheim 2016-01-02 03:36:33

Looks like this year will be a transformative time for ol' Jelly Tea. You'll have glistening teeth, impeccable skin, a successful career, an athletic physique, perfect posture and excellent grades. And to top it all off, you'll be as independent as...er...a bear? Those guys seem pretty independent. Hunting salmon all by themselves. Defecating in the woods whenever the hell they feel like it.

Sounds like you need to drink the fabled Potion of Positivity. You sound gloomy.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship woes. If it makes you feel any better, I think you're the loveliest llama I've ever had the pleasure of encountering. I mean, what person out there is courageous enough to draw bestiality in Microsoft Paint?
I'll tell you who. Jelly. Motherfucking. Tea.

Personally I don't believe in this New Year's resolution nonsense. It's just a way of people showing that they're on the road to self-improvement and that they're going to eat healthier and lay off the pornography. But that won't happen. They'll commit to their resolutions for the first two weeks in January before returning to a life of unending nacho consumption and fine-ass digital intercourse.

This is just my opinion of New Year's resolutions, though, based on the preposterous things I've heard from people and read on social media.

Newgrounds is full of lurking psychopaths. It's the filthy alleyway of the Internet. It's a sleazy district full of pimps, whores and outlaws. It's packed with illustrators drawing penises. Animators animating penises. Game developers developing games where the playable protagonist is a penis. You get my drift here, Jelly. It's appalling.

And that's exactly why I love it. I wouldn't say it deals with my problems. You make Newgrounds sound like your medication. It's not the cure to all your ailments. It's an addictive syringe. And by the looks of things, you've been injecting yourself with it frequently for years and years and years. You're a Newgrounds junkie.

Here's hoping your life changes for the better. Don't die. We need you. You are the saviour of humankind. We'll show our affections for you by nailing you to a piece of wood.

Love,

A dirty peasant who happens to be your eighth fan.